Calming Talk

This is the place to settle disputes, establish agreements, and improve communication with those people who are so important to you.  Here is where we recognize that it is ok to ask for what we want, to refuse what we don’t want, and to encourage more positive and more respectful relationships.

Do you want to understand your partner more?  Go to 10 Habits of Really Good Listeners.

Do you need to become more respectful of yourself and others?  Do you want more balance in your life? See Communication Skills: Positive Ways to Set Limits.

Do you want to learn to argue your point of view more effectively?  Do you want to work out equitable solutions to the problems that you are having with family members or friends? Go to Solve Problems, Protect the Relationship, and follow up with Five Tips For Getting To Win-Win Negotiating and Effective Win-Win Problem Solving.

Are you fearful about sharing your difficulties with other people, but you know you need the support of others? Go to Relieve Stress: Share Your Thoughts and Feelings.

Why is it so hard to ask for what we want?

Sometimes we don’t want to put someone else out.

Unable to ask for what you want.

Unable to ask for what you want.

Sometimes we don’t think we deserve to get what we want or need.

Sometimes we believe that our value comes from “suffering” in silence.

Sometimes we make the mistake of thinking that we are not supposed to have what we want.

Sometimes our religion has led us to believe that we are better people if we don’t ever complain.  (Hint:  Jesus was not shy about telling people what He wanted them to do:  “Suffer the little children to come to Me”,  “Blessed are the peacemakers, … Blessed are those who thirst after justice…” )

Very often in the home when we were growing up  we lacked examples of the adults asking for what they wanted, or asking for an end to something that they did not like.  In some cases the communication was absent. In some cases it was angry, disrespectful, sometimes frightening or even dangerous.  So some of us did not learn how to ask for what we wanted or needed.


This section is about respect. Respect for ourselves and respect for the others who are important to us.

This section is not about being selfish.  It is not about getting what you want all of the time, without concern for the comfort or the rights of others.

It is about caring for ourselves and caring about others, so that our relationships become more equal, harmonious and satisfying.

Let me know what you want to know more about.  Tell me about the communication stumbles you would like to address in this space.

Caution:  If your relationships or your communication feels destructive, or toxic, you may need to see a professional counselor.  Consider talking to your physician for a referral to a qualified mental health counselor if this is the case.  You may also find help from your local mental health association, your insurance company, or your minister or other professional who may be in a position to know the resources in your area.